Communication Series I: Strategies for Communicating During Cancer Diagnosis
There are no two ways about it: having a cancer diagnosis in your family is hard and life changing. Talking about cancer is challenging because it involves intense emotions. Even those who typically communicate well may have trouble talking about cancer. Discussing a cancer diagnosis may involve topics that are uncomfortable to discuss. This could include sexual problems, fertility concerns, physical limitations, financial worries, and even end of life planning. Specific strategies for communicating with someone with cancer can not only be helpful, but add ease to a journey that is full of challenges.
Take Your Cues from the Person with Cancer. Ask the person with cancer if they would like to talk about the experience. It is best to allow him or her to decide when to talk and how much to share.
Show Support Without Words. Your body and facial expressions can also convey your message of care and support. Keep eye contact, listen attentively, and avoid distractions when talking. One important way to provide support is to share some silence without needing to drown it out with chatter.
Choose Your Words Carefully. Make sure to acknowledge how diffi cult this experience is for the person. Carefully choosing what you say can help you show your support without being dismissive or avoiding the topic. For example, it is better to say, “I don’t know what to say” than to stop calling or visiting out of fear.
Here are some things you can say to help show your care and support:
I’m sorry this has happened to you.
If you ever feel like talking, I’m here to listen.
What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
I love/care about you.
I’m thinking about you.
Here are examples of phrases that are unhelpful:
I know just how you feel.
I know just what you should do.
I know someone who had the exact same diagnosis.
I’m sure you’ll be fi ne.
Don’t worry.
How long do you have?
Some relationships get stronger during cancer treatment. Others are weakened. Nearly everyone feels more stress than usual when cancer occurs. It helps to know that people express their emotions in diff erent ways. Some like to talk things out or focus on other people. Others like to focus inward by doing things, such as washing the dishes, meditating, or fi xing things around the house. Th ese diff erences can cause tension because each person may expect the other to act the way they would in their place. To reduce stress, it may help to remind yourself that everyone reacts diff erently. Only you and your loved one know how you feel about this.
It is important to say, if either of you don’t feel like your communication needs are being met, you may want to seek help from a counselor or social worker.