Communication Series IV: Strategies for Talking with Your Significant Other or Loved-one with Cancer
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Since each cancer experience is different, one approach does not necessarily work for everyone. This information serves as a starting point for effective communication and conflict resolution with your loved one. There is no single right way.
Some relationships get stronger during cancer treatment. Others are weakened. Nearly everyone feels more stress than usual when cancer occurs. It helps to know that people express their emotions in different ways. Some like to talk things out or focus on other people. Others like to focus inward by doing things, such as washing the dishes, meditating, or fixing things around the house. These differences can cause tension because each person may expect the other to act the way they would in their place. To reduce stress, it may help to remind yourself that everyone reacts differently. Only you and your loved one know how you feel about this. It is important to say, if either of you don’t feel like your communication needs are being met, you may want to seek help from a counselor or social worker.
Consider practicing what you want to say or writing notes for yourself if you have something diffi cult to share. This may help you prioritize your values and identify your biggest worries. The sections below may help you think about ways to communicate with your significant other or loved-one.
Strategies for approaching difficult communication:
Do not assume — Assuming you know what your loved one is thinking or feeling or what they will say next can cause major miscommunication. Ask questions if something is unclear.
Maintain confidentiality — It is important to maintain privacy and confi dentiality because not only is medical information considered private, it helps to build and develop trust and allows for the free fl ow of information between you and your loved one. It’s important to acknowledge that your loved one’s personal life and all the issues and problems that they may have belong to them. It is not your place to share private information before your loved one is ready to do so.
Try to See Their Point of View — Primarily, all of us, want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Th is is understandable, but too much of a focus on our own desires to be understood above all else can backfi re. Ironically, if we all do this all of the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. For a moment, suspend your own judgment and do your best to see the situation you’re confronting from the perspective of the other. This step is fundamental. It requires you to have empathy and through empathy to widen your understanding of what’s really going on. Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.
Use caution when asking questions — Phrase your questions carefully and consider the number of questions that you ask in a conversation. People with cancer are oft en asked many questions by their friends and family members, and it can become tiresome.
Make sure it is okay to give advice — Before you off er any advice, ask if it is okay and be prepared to stop if you are not encouraged to continue. If you feel prompted to make a suggestion, ask for the person’s permission to share it before proceeding. Unsolicited advice may cause unnecessary stress.
Talk honestly about your feelings, both positive and negative — Emotions such as anger, fear, frustration, and resentment are normal reactions to cancer. People oft en do not discuss these emotions because they fear upsetting each other or feel guilty for having negative thoughts. Hiding feelings creates distance between people and prevents them from supporting and comforting each other. On the other hand, it may be diffi cult for your loved one to hear that you feel guilt or sadness. Be aware of the tone of the conversation and be sure to respect your loved one’s feelings. It’s important to acknowledge all the emotions you both are feeling, not just the positive ones. Do not be afraid to laugh. Humor may help both your loved one and you to cope.
Be honest about your feelings but do not overburden — Communicate any feelings you may be experiencing—such as fear, anxiety, anger, or disbelief — in response to your loved one’s cancer diagnosis. But try to be brief in your explanations. Spending too much time expressing the difficult emotions you are feeling may overwhelm and upset your loved one. If you struggle to maintain your composure, give yourself some time away to calm your feelings before talking again. You may find you might need to meet with a counselor to help you process and manage your emotions, as to not burden your loved one.
Talk about topics you typically discuss — You do not always have to talk about cancer. Talking about usual topics may help provide a sense of balance. Th e intent is not to distract your friend or family member, but to help him maintain usual interests and connections and take a break from difficult conversations.
Talk about the ways you each cope with stress — This helps identify whether you have differing needs in conversation style or action. For example, one loved one may view cancer as a problem to be solved, while the other needs emotional support and validation. Understand that both responses have value.
Focus on the future — Often, dealing with a cancer diagnosis comes with overwhelming emotions and questions. Sometimes, it helps while addressing the heavy topics of treatment, side effects, etc. to focus on future plans. What can you both look forward to once the challenge of cancer is behind you? This technique also lends itself to creating hope and gratitude, which some doctors believe can help aid the immune system in healing.
Get Professional Help — If it is difficult to talk with your significant other or loved one, you may consider meeting with a counselor or therapist. This person can help address communication problems and guide you through difficult conversations, as well as teach you valuable coping methods and tools. Or each of you may choose to find a support group. There are support groups for people diagnosed with cancer as well as for spouses and partners. Support groups provide a setting to learn about other people’s experiences communicating about cancer within intimate relationships. For more in-depth guidance on support groups, please reference The Caregiver’s Guide Section: 7. Caregiver Resources & Support Groups.
The goal of effective communication is mutual understanding and problem solving while pleasing both parties, not ‘winning’ the argument’ or ‘being right’. Sometimes it helps to hold hands or stay physically connected as you talk. This can remind you that you still care about each other and generally support one another. This doesn’t work in every situation, so be mindful and give each situation the proper consideration.